Blog

from the Braver Blog

  • Orgasms Aren’t Everything

    Most steamy love scenes in today’s romance novels end in a shattering, life-affirming, love-filled climax. Easily sending the message that orgasm is the goal of sex. But orgasms don’t have to be the goal of physical intimacy. Not everyone can orgasm or orgasm easily, AND orgasms shouldn’t necessarily be the end. What about all that lovely caressing, teasing, and connecting? Orgasms don’t come easily (pardon the pun). According to researchers at OMGYes.com, as women build toward orgasm, changes in contact or rhythm can quickly cause them to lose it. The build fizzles and can be hard to get back. Men don’t typically report… read more

  • Dirty Talk – How to…

    Once during a workshop at a wellness seminar, one participant (a man) asked me if women really liked dirty talk. I responded that I couldn’t speak for all women, but given dirty talk is a common element in many romance novels, primarily read by women, one could conclude women do at least think about it. All dirty talk is not the same. I’ll let you, beautiful reader, determine the specifics around “dirty”, and I’ll just touch on the talking part. According to the website OMGYes.com, “research shows that women who gave specific details about what makes sex more pleasurable for… read more

  • What’s with all the big … eggplants?

    I love romance. But romance isn’t perfect, and one of my teeny-tiny pet peeves is all the big … well … dicks. A point I touch on with the hero, Levi, in Hawaii for Two. (So, this idea has been on my mind lately.) Some data … A 2020 review of research reported the average size of an erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches in length and most men, (up to 95%) fall within this range. Another study by J. Lever et al. (2006) at CSU Los Angeles reported most women (85%) are satisfied with the size of… read more

  • Sex & … Golf?

    I am not a golfer, nor is my husband. In fact, due to some family stuff, golf is a bit of a trigger for me. So, when I read that a statistically significant number of men in a study about who’s having “magnificent sex” (conducted by Peggy Kleinplatz et al.) reported a golf book was one of the top resources that helped their sex life, I had to read it. And let me tell you, I can totally see why. The book The Inner Game of Golf by W. Timothy Gallwey has been around for a long time, is a… read more

  • Sex & Menopause

    I recently spoke at a wellness retreat where there were several questions about menopause and sex. It was on folks’ minds. Sex later in life is never far from my mind. Afterall, I’m in my mid-fifties and I’m married to a lovely man. Spoiler alert: Sex happens. 😉 It’s been an area of focus as I do my book research too. And there is plenty to discover. Hormone changes can wreak havoc on emotions and women’s bodies. I myself experienced night sweats, but also unusual sleep loss and extreme anxiety, even to the point of suicidal ideation, as I approached… read more

  • It’s a shame about sexual shame.

    There are a lot of different ways folks can feel shame about sex. Growing up in a culture where sex or sexual pleasure is considered wrong. Living in a culture where only certain body types and features are considered beautiful and sexy. Experiencing sexual trauma. Or something else. There are many ways sex can be surrounded by shame. Sex therapists are finding most people raised with shame around sex struggle to have healthy sex lives as partnered/married adults. I believe it’s time to boot shame from the bedroom, and I believe reading romance can help. Here’s how: The Shameless Sex… read more

  • Sex Ed for Grownups

    I talk incessantly about reading romance and its impact on our sex lives. The romance genre has evolved to be much more diverse and authentic in recent years, and the novels and tropes we are drawn to can tell us so much about ourselves. Sex education is failing us. Currently there are 12 states in the Union (24%) which do not require sex education to be: age-appropriate, medically accurate, culturally responsive, or evidence-based/evidence-informed. In the fall of 2023, Forbes did a survey of 1,500 Americans ages 18 to 44. Here are a few of their findings. 90% of respondents said… read more

  • Coming Together

    Coming Together: Embracing your Core Desires for Sexual Fulfillment and Long-Term Compatibility by Danielle Harel PhD and Celeste Hirschman MA This book written by two sex coaches in California focuses on our fantasies and what they call our “core desires” to help unlock a more satisfying sex life. They suggest real techniques to identify what they call your “hottest sexual movie” and even walk you through the process for yourself. What stuck out for me most was their belief that our fantasies can be part of our healing process from past hurts or trauma, whether or not those hurts were… read more

  • The Pleasure Gap

    The Pleasure Gap: American Women and the Unfinished Sexual Revolution by Katherine Rowland I’m currently reading The Pleasure Gap and loving it. So much so, that the first part of the book inspired my Medium article “Why You Should Stop Faking It.” We hear a lot about the orgasm gap. Studies have reported men have nearly 2x the number of orgasms as women. There are lots of reasons for this gap, but what about pleasure with or without orgasm? At my book signings, I talk to women who tell me “I’m done with romance” or “that part of my life… read more

  • Sex Talks – the book

    Dr. B recently got me started listening to this podcast called “Pillow Talks” which is a sex therapist and her husband talking all things relationships and sex positivity. It’s a great podcast, a little self-promotey, but the content is top notch, so muscle through. Or … pick up a copy of their book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life by Vanessa and Xander Marin at the bookstore or your local library. I really enjoyed the book (and the podcasts we’ve listened to). The information is totally approachable and full of examples from real couples with… read more