Most steamy love scenes in today’s romance novels end in a shattering, life-affirming, love-filled climax. Easily sending the message that orgasm is the goal of sex. But orgasms don’t have to be the goal of physical intimacy. Not everyone can orgasm or orgasm easily, AND orgasms shouldn’t necessarily be the end. What about all that lovely caressing, teasing, and connecting?

Orgasms don’t come easily (pardon the pun). According to researchers at OMGYes.com, as women build toward orgasm, changes in contact or rhythm can quickly cause them to lose it. The build fizzles and can be hard to get back. Men don’t typically report this phenomenon and may not understand how easily this can happen to their partners. 

Orgasm as a goal can equal pressure. For many women, thinking about getting there often stands in the way of getting there. One woman the OMGYes.com researchers interviewed said, “Getting an orgasm is like trying to remember a name, the more you try, the more impossible it is. One partner I had said, ‘it doesn’t matter if you come or not, let’s just enjoy this. I love tasting you. I love touching you.’ … ‘It worked because I didn’t have to worry about him—he was loving it—there really was no pressure on me to ‘get there’ and it was so good.”

Worry is an orgasm killer. When it comes to sex, women have an accelerator AND brakes, things that make enjoyment difficult no matter how aroused she is. Worry about his experience or if she’s taking too long can delay or even kill an orgasm altogether. Another woman on OMGYes.com said “When he was pleasuring me, I’d be trying to make him feel good by breathing heavy and planning my next move. He really wanted to please me, but I couldn’t feel the pleasure because I was thinking too much about his experience.”

Techniques to help. 

• Consistency is key. Make sure he knows when you say, “Don’t stop,” you mean don’t change a thing because it’s perfect.
• Let your partner know you will tell them when you are close rather than them having to ask, which can feel like pressure.
• Set a timer for 15 minutes and for that time, you can only enjoy what your partner is doing. You can’t reciprocate and the only goal is pleasure. Then do the same for him. Because orgasms aren’t everything.

Source: OMGYes.com. Affiliated with the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University in Bloomington, this website provides legit, research-based information designed for educational purposes. If you have a vulva or want to please a vulva owner, this is the resource you’ve been looking for.