There are a lot of different ways folks can feel shame about sex. Growing up in a culture where sex or sexual pleasure is considered wrong. Living in a culture where only certain body types and features are considered beautiful and sexy. Experiencing sexual trauma. Or something else. There are many ways sex can be surrounded by shame.

Sex therapists are finding most people raised with shame around sex struggle to have healthy sex lives as partnered/married adults. I believe it’s time to boot shame from the bedroom, and I believe reading romance can help. Here’s how:

The Shameless Sex Bill of Rights below is from the book Shameless Sex by Baldwin and Lampert. The bullet points are mine.

Right One: “Always Start with Consent and Safety”

• Today’s romance novels model asking for consent and creating safety early, not as an afterthought.
• Ask if something feels good and get that sexy “Yesss”.

Right Two: “You Should Stop Should-ing Yourself”

• Cultural expectations around sex are often someone else’s rules. If it’s between consenting adults, it’s healthy sex.
• Toys, masturbation, and restraints are all healthy and modeled in today’s steamy romances.

Right Three: “There Is Nothing Wrong with You”

• Romance characters help to breakdown stereotypes and remove stigma e.g. Neurodivergent MCs, tough “manly” characters checking in about what feels good rather than assuming.
• People are diverse with diverse interests. Everyone deserves to see themselves in a romance novel, and today they can.

Right Four: “The Brain Is Your Largest Sex Organ”

• Your brain is the intermediary between all your senses (sights, smells, feelings, tastes, and sounds) and controls your body’s reactions to stimuli.
• Romance novel MCs model how to share and respond to all the senses in those sexy scenes.

Right Five: “Change Only Happens When You Change”

• Asking for what we want and need can be especially hard when we don’t know what we like.
• Reading romance lets us consider and explore new ideas – date-night examples, oral sex tips, genital stimulation techniques, sexy positions, sexy talk, and more.

Right Six: “Cultivate Presence—Go Slower Than Slow, Then Slower Than That”

• Some romance novel steamy scenes stretch across multiple chapters to provide multiple points of view on the experience.
• Take your time, stay present in the moment, and focus on connection with your partner rather than getting to a particular goal.

Right Seven: “Your First Sexual Relationship Is with You”

• We are all sexual beings.
• Modeling how characters learn about themselves, what they like and need during sex, is often part of the sexual growth arcs in romance novels.

Sex is a good thing. Sex literally gives life. Don’t let shame dim your life, especially your sex life.