At almost every big bookfair I attend, I have at least one patron tell me that they are “done with that part of my life.” Meaning sex, passion, partners, and/or intimate pleasure. And it makes my heart ache.
The Bedroom Gap by Dr. Maria Sophocles (Greek philosopher relative? – I think so) is a much-needed game changer in the conversation about women’s experiences and sex lives in mid-life.
The book addresses topics like hormone replacement therapy, desire, pleasure, cultural expectations, the lack of medical research, sex education, and so much more in a comprehensive yet approachable way with the goal of improving sex for women (and their partners.)
Reading this book, not just as a woman of a certain age (ahem) but also a romance author, lots of tidbits jumped out at me. Things I want to consider as I write my intimate scenes. Like how to ask for what you want in the bedroom.
Here are some of her suggestions on how to have that conversation with your partner. Because better conversations with your partner lead to better sex.
- Start positive – “I really enjoyed what you did last night and would love to hear what I can do to make it great for you too.”
- If you are in a rut, don’t be afraid to say it. “Sex feels a bit challenging lately. Why do you think that is?”
- Ask open ended questions. “What do you wish we did more of sexually? What is that I do that turns you on? What is it that I don’t do that you’d like me to try?”
- If the conversation is going well, keep going. “Can I tell you something I’d like to do more of in our sex life?”
- Discuss trying new things. “Would you consider trying X?” Be sure not to judge, shame, or yuck your partner’s question. You don’t have to agree to it but make it safe for them to share.
- Discuss things you’ve been avoiding like lack of orgasm, pain, odor/taste, or ongoing avoidance of sex. Avoiding sex often feels like rejection to a partner. Talk about it instead.
- If the words don’t come, try listening to a podcast with your partner or alone that discusses sexual content to get more comfortable with the words.
Asking for what you want won’t automatically make sex great if you’re “done” with it. But it can be a start.
If you are a vulva-owner and liked sex when you were younger, you may be able to get that spark back.
If you are younger and enjoying sex as much as ever, be aware that things can change as you age and there are solutions.
Vulva-owners like sex. We are allowed to like sex and be sexual and experience pleasure … for our entire adult lives. It’s time to close the bedroom gap.