I’ve been re-editing my Perry Harbor Series, and reconnecting with these lovely characters and their journeys to face and conquer challenges. Last month, inspired by Finn and Emily in Your Two Lips, I wrote about being good or bad at sex and the difference is communication.
This month, I worked on Your Sweetness. The story’s key theme is self-acceptance. Lucas has to accept that he may not be the tech guru he thought he was. Jo has to accept that she is beautiful and sexy in her body as it is. Both issues are big for their gender.
Studies tell us men often define themselves by their work. Luc’s journey is to understand his value outside of his success at making the big deals happen.
Studies also tell us women often define themselves by the way they look. “I’m beautiful and worthy.” “I’m not beautiful and not worthy.” “No one will want my body the way it is now.”
Take Jo. She feels shame because of the extra weight she carries. She refused to let past lovers see her body in the light. And she resists being intimate in positions that put her on top or ones where her lover has to hold her up, feeling her weight.
Lately, I’ve seen this issue show up in other places. Have you ever felt this way? Had issues with your body and showing it to a lover in the light? I have. Maybe all of us have, regardless of gender.
The truth is … we are all worthy regardless of our bodies.
So, what can you do?
Stop Negative Self-Talk – it’s a cliche for a reason. It’s valid. This one is a biggie for Jo. She avoids mirrors in every situation. But then (spoiler alert) Luc tells her what he sees, and Jo has to do the work to believe him. Stop that negative self-talk.
Get naked and stand in front of the mirror. Look at your body the way a lover would, or better yet, ask your lover what they like about your body. Then work to love those parts too. You’ve got it. Flaunt it.
Practice saying (out loud) one thing you love about your body every morning right after you brush your teeth. Even if it’s “I love my clean teeth.” 😉 As you practice looking, you will find other things you love too. “I love my eyelashes.” “I love this scar because it shows I survived.” “I love how unique my eye color is.” The list goes on …
Collaborate with your partner – Ask yourself, “What do I need to feel or hear in order to feel celebrated in this body? What words? What type of touch? What situations do I need to be in?” And then share that information with your partner.
Remember you are an adult now – Negative thoughts about ourselves often stem from our childhood experiences. Feeling judged for not wearing the right clothes to school. Not making the cheer team because of the way you look (me and Jo both experienced this one). You aren’t a child anymore. You don’t have to carry those childish judgements anymore. You are an adult, surviving in the world. That’s no small thing. You are in charge of your body and your love for it is what matters.
Judgement and shame are very effective pleasure stealers. They make it hard to be present with ourselves and with our partners. Don’t let them steal your pleasure.