One of my books, “Your Heart”, is set at a resort loosely based on a place I travel to with my family and close friends every summer. One year, I gave the resort owner a couple of copies of the book, and they placed them in their library. Awesome.
Then my 17-year-old daughter and her friends found said novel in the library. Unknowingly, I stumbled into our cabin to find about 10 of them between the ages of 15 and 18, listening intently with big smiles and awkward laughs as a few spicy excerpts were read aloud.
“Mom, you said pussy! How could you?” my daughter yelled as I stepped into the room.
“It’s a word often used in intimate settings like the one in the book,” I replied.
Deep Breath. I’m a sex positive parent. This was a teaching moment. My books are not intended for people under 18, but they want to read about adult things; let’s talk about them.
“So, who has questions about something from the novel?” I asked.
Brief conversation followed, and I informed the group that some romance novels strive to normalize healthy behaviors that otherwise could be intimidating such as oral sex.
“For example, who’s intimidated by cunnilingus?” I asked.
One brave boy’s hand shot in the air as he stated, “I am.”
A few snickers erupted but there didn’t seem to be any shame tossed at the boy, and I let him know that there are lots of reputable resources for information about sex, online porn not being one of them. Then, I excused myself to inform the other parents about what was happening, giving them the chance to intervene if they wanted. (None of them did.)
But the bravery of that one boy stuck with me. I hope he keeps admitting his fears, and I hope he seeks information from a variety of quality sources to reduce them. His future partner(s) thanks him.
Information Breaks Down Fear
Cunnilingus (oral sex with a vulva) can be scary if you’re new to it. Peggy Orenstein’s excellent book “Boys and Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity” has a section devoted to interviews with young men about going down on young women. And I doubt it will surprise anyone that many of them had never tried it, dreaded it/didn’t like it, or thought they were bad at it.
And I assume those boys grew older and got partners who wanted it. Did they spontaneously develop the skill?
One of my favorite resources on cunnilingus is “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman” by Dr. Ian Kerner where he starts off with sage advice. When learning about a new sexual position or activity, first learn the facts about the body parts involved.
“The Vagina Is Cleaner Than Your Mouth.”
The statement is regarded as a colloquialism, but according to an article by the Pelvic Health & Rehabilitation Center, the vagina is cleaner than you might think. It’s a self-cleaning ecosystem designed to shed bad bacteria regularly. Not sure the mouth does that.
The vagina has a pH of around 3.8, which is slightly acidic. Similar to the acid level of some wines. (Dr. Kerner recommends a pairing with dry whites or a Beaujolais, but that’s a little advanced for this article.)
Many women are self-conscious about how they smell or taste to a lover. After all, culture has told us our genitals are “dirty” and “shameful”. I certainly remember hiding my tampon up my sleeve at school so no one would figure out I’d gotten my period. Honestly? Why was I so embarrassed?
There are products advertised to women to keep our genitals clean or scented like lavender (for some reason), but according to the article, using these products and even some soaps, can change the pH allowing increased growth of bad bacteria leading to infection and a temporary foul odor. Just what you’re trying to avoid.
Sex experts suggest that a healthy woman who has showered in recent hours and rinsed herself with water is as clean as she needs to be.
So now what?
What to say? Dr. Kerner suggests three key things to say to your partner to put her at ease.
- Tell her you like it. Going down on her turns you on as much as it does her.
- There is no rush. Because you want to savor every moment of this closeness with her.
- Her scent and taste are a powerfully erotic part of her natural beauty.
What to do? Dr. Kerner gives plenty of detailed instructions beyond the obvious, but some highlights include:
- Rest one hand under her butt for support.
- Use your lips, not just your tongue, and maybe have a washcloth nearby to wipe your face after, because you will get wet. This is a good thing.
- Vary the pace of your licks and sucks. Start slowly. Raise the intensity. Then back off, stilling the flat of your tongue against her for a beat or two. Listen for moans or other indications of what she likes and allow the tension to grow.
- Respect the clit but involve the other parts of her vulva, too. Spell out the alphabet or a single word, like her name or “love” or “sexy”, across her vulva with your tongue. Leave gentle kisses on those lips.
- Keep her legs more together than spread wide. This allows everything to more easily narrow and tighten in preparation for orgasm.
Always Start With The Basics
Dr. Kerner recommends the basic ideas of Fore Play, Core Play, and More Play. Fore Play is the kisses, touches, and sexy words that are the warmup. Treat cunnilingus as Core Play. A main event, not a starting point. And More Play is more if you’re in the mood or the aftercare of touching, talking, and connecting with your partner.