Let’s give today’s men some credit. They can handle the truth if their female partner just isn’t getting there this time. They experience combat. They run big businesses. They lift heavy things and so much more. Men are capable adult human beings exactly like women. So why do we women feel the need to protect them in the bedroom, even to our own detriment?

Faking it is about caretaking

Researcher Debby Herbenick and colleagues published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2019 about why women fake orgasm. The study of over 1000 women, most of whom reported being heterosexual, living in the U.S. and between the ages of 18 and 94, found that nearly 60% reported faking it at least once. (Other studies report rates as high as 80% – yikes.)

The top three reasons women fake it were:

• They wanted their partner to feel successful (57.1 percent).
• They wanted sex to end because they felt tired (44.6 percent).
• They liked their sexual partner and didn’t want them to feel bad (37.7 percent).

The second option begs the question, why couldn’t she just tell her partner the truth? Tap the guy on the shoulder and say “Hey Baby, I’m tired tonight. Let’s focus on getting you there and get to the cuddling for me.”

My guess is she didn’t think her partner would receive that truth well. So, in her exhausted state, she put on an Oscar worthy performance … to protect him.

The top three reasons women fake it were all related to not wanting to negatively impact the feelings or ego of their partner. But this helps no one. Not her and definitely not him.

Cultural expectations are like a snake eating its tail

One thing I’ve noticed in a lot of romance novels is that the female main characters usually orgasm from penetration. They may orgasm from oral sex or other forms of clitoral stimulation (Yes!), but they orgasm during penetration too.

For a small percentage of women, orgasm during penetration without some other form of clitoral stimulation at the same time is possible, but for most women it is not. All of this coming while he pounds inside her is likely part of the romantic fantasy. One set in motion by, you guessed it, Freud. And a few other doctors and scientists in the twentieth century.

In her book “The Pleasure Gap”, Katherine Rowland details the history of research around the female orgasm including Freud’s famous supposition that the only mature and meaningful orgasm for a woman is vaginal during penetration, and women who need clitoral stimulation to climax are frigid, mentally unwell, or shirking their womanly purpose of childbearing. Respectfully, F U Freud.

Other well-known research by Kinsey as well as Masters and Johnson and others in the mid to late twentieth century debunked many of Freud’s ideas but met with resistance. Some to the point of losing funding.

To further insult the clitoral orgasm, it wasn’t until 2005 that Australian urologist Helen O’Connell fully mapped the clitoris in the human anatomy. 2005!

This history of expectations around the female orgasm coupled with a lack of understanding created the idea that the female orgasm was a sexual goal. And one that a real man should be able to reach. Setting the expectation that a woman needed to orgasm during sex.

Like a snake eating its tail, men set in motion the idea that women should orgasm, which created the belief that men should deliver that orgasm. Failing to do so could lead to feeling emasculated. And so, women, instead of focusing on our own sexual pleasure and fulfillment, faked it to save the ego of the man.

Orgasm is not the goal of sex

Pleasure and connection are. Orgasm is one component of pleasure, but it isn’t the only one.

I’m dating myself here but raise your hand if you remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine tells Jerry she faked all her orgasms while they were dating. “Fake, fake, fake, fake.” Jerry is floored. Shocked. The faked orgasms were seen as his loss. What about her?

Surly her loss of what some consider the peak and purpose of sex, the orgasm, was greater than his. But pleasure is a complex issue for women.

Many women struggle to accept pleasure not just from sex, but from food, experiences, and life. We nearly buckle under daily demands to eat healthy instead of those cookies that look incredible behind the bakery glass, exercise until it hurts, sacrifice for our kids and spouses, don’t complain about misogyny, and hold back any intense emotions. Including pleasure.

Fall short of these standards and you’ve got guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. Feel pleasure and you’ve got guilt. (For more on this struggle, check out On Our Best Behavior by Elise Loehnen.)

One incredible gift a lover could give to a woman is the space and ability to experience genuine pleasure on her terms, according to her needs and desires. If that is orgasm, great. If it isn’t, there are myriad other ways to experience sexual pleasure, like sensual touch and massage, kissing, cuddling skin to skin, and more.

Faking it is a lie

One caveat. Not all women who reported faking it said it was to protect their partner. Some said that the practice of faking their sexual arousal actually helped to build that arousal for real. Fake it ’till you make it. But for many, faking it is a lie. A well-meaning one, but still a lie.

Ladies, this is your sexual partner we’re talking about. Someone you’ve deemed worthy enough to literally allow inside your body. They deserve the truth.

It all comes down to communication. Women have to take an honest look at what they need to experience pleasure and what they want from a sexual encounter. And men have to be ready to hear that truth.

I believe in men. I believe most men want to give their female partners what they need and to make their partners feel good during sex. Whether or not it involves an orgasm for her. Sex is a team activity and requires the entire team. So, women, be prepared to share, explore, give feedback, and communicate with your partner so he can be the lover both of you want him to be.

In the 2019 study above, of those who reported having faked it in the past, two-thirds or 67.3% reported they no longer do. The top three reasons were:

• Feeling more comfortable now with sex, whether or not an orgasm occurred (46.6 percent).
• Feeling more confident about themselves as a woman (35.3 percent).
• Feeling like their partner accepts them and is happy with them, even if they don’t have an orgasm (34.0 percent).

This is the goal for both partners. Feeling comfortable and confident with sex and feeling unconditionally accepted. In this situation, pleasure and connection are much more likely to abound.