I spend a lot of time thinking about people’s sexual fantasies. As a steamy romance writer, understanding common sexual fantasies is a key part of writing intimate relationships that resonate with readers.

Some of us have perfectly vanilla mainstream fantasies. Others of us do not. Just because we have a fantasy about something doesn’t mean we want to live it out in real life. If you fantasize about toxic men, it doesn’t mean you want a toxic man.

Take the Fifty Shades of Grey series of books by E.L. James. It did not sell 165 million copies to date because the author stumbled onto an unknown-to-that-point global interest in BDSM. Rather, the book leaned into several common romantic fantasies.

1. The fantasy of being wanted, desired in a consuming and fundamental way. Both partners were overcome by desire unlike anything before, causing confusion and some unsafe choices.
2. The fantasy of being utterly taken care of. The hero plans and thinks about the heroine’s wants and needs (along with his own), then tries to meet those needs in sexual ways as well as her need for safety and care.
3. The fantasy of not having any responsibilities. The hero picks out her clothes, decides when and what she eats, wakes her in the morning and puts her to bed at night. She doesn’t have to make decisions or worry about making the wrong one.
4. The fantasy of making the toxic man better. (This is a big one) The hero is a potential poster boy for toxic masculinity. But his desire to control and possess the heroine miraculously becomes love, and (spoiler alert) the bad boy is reformed into a loving husband and father.

These are not new fantasies. They are everywhere and have been for years. They are fantasies popular in all genres of stories because they are not always safe in real life.

A partner so overcome with desire that he can’t control himself is a recipe for sexual assault. A partner who obsesses over someone and tries to meet their every need may be a breath away from becoming a stalker.

A partner with beliefs that are toxic against women is not likely to change them in real life, particularly because of the influence of a woman.

Understanding our sexual fantasies helps us understand ourselves

The book “Coming Together” by Danielle Harel, PhD and Celeste Hirschman, MA, discusses the idea that sexual fantasies are one way people can work to heal past emotional wounds. For example, someone who may have felt neglected by their parents may have fantasies about being the center of their sexual partner’s world, or their obsession. Someone who experienced bullying as a youth may have fantasies of dominating a sexual partner.

These are examples and are not an indication that if you had these experiences, you should have this fantasy, or vice versa. People ought not should on themselves. Everyone’s sexual fantasies are unique to them and their experiences.

Understanding yours and your partner’s fantasies and finding healthy ways to incorporate them or the feelings they inspire into your sex life could not only enhance your connection but contribute to healing old wounds.

Not all men who drive pickup trucks are toxic

I grew up in a small rural town in the south where a lot of farm boys and not-so-farm boys drove pickup trucks. It was a place where boys and men opened doors for women and said ma’am, but also sang, spoke, behaved, and voted as if women were at best a step beneath them, or at worst sexual objects put on earth for their pleasure. “The weaker sex.”

Dirty jokes or obscene gestures were scolded but never stopped. Sins were excused as “boys will be boys”. The old-boys-club at work caused a woman to play up her sweetness or sexiness to get or keep a job.

Then there was the practice in some Christian churches, central to southern culture, of denying women the ability to lead religious services, teach classes that included men, or sometimes to even speak during worship.

The streets and parking lots were usually filled with pickups.

To me, pickup trucks became emblematic of oppressors. All that southern hospitality and aw-shucks behavior was a show. No, thank you. Recognize my right to my body, and I’ll open my own damn door.

I know plenty of women drive pickups, and not all men who drive pickups oppress women. But that was my childhood wound. As a young woman, I vowed never to date a man who drove a pickup. And I didn’t. Was it fair? No. But it was a data point I used among others to keep myself safe in an unsafe-for-my-gender world. No men with trucks. Ever.

Capability porn or red flag?

The ironic truth is as an older and wiser woman, the image of a strong man in a flannel shirt and worn jeans getting out of a big ‘ole pickup truck is kinda sexy, especially if he looks like he’s good at fixing things and is a decent guy.

It’s not just me. Pictures and videos of competent men, sometimes shirtless, fixing things or building things, are called “capability porn”. One of my favorites is the lumberjack who can split a log with an ax in one go. Impressive.

The heroes I write in my steamy small-town romances are genuine in their kindness, see women as valued equals, and find women of all shapes and sizes sexually attractive for their strength and/or softness. They are also the capability porn guy, right down to the worn jeans and F-150.

But wait … pickups are a red flag for me. My choice of vehicle for my heroes, my fantasy, begged the question. Why was I writing these truck driving dream men?

In reading “Coming Together”, it hit me. I wrote those men to heal my childhood wound.

I know there are decent men out there who actually like women and also drive pickups. A few of them are married to some of my closest friends. Plus, my very own incredible pro-woman husband has been trying to convince me for years that we need a Ford Lightning.

Though it happens less, I still have visceral unpleasant reactions to a man driving a pickup. Especially if it has those ridiculous, cry-for-help truck nuts hanging from the hitch or displays a defaced American flag. I avoid them like chained rabid dogs. My wound is still present, but I’m working on it.

I believe people can change, even me. Through my consideration of fantasies and how they can help heal emotional wounds, I’m confronting my default disdain for men who drive pickups. I love my husband and because of that; it looks like I will not only date a man who drives a pickup, someday, I’ll be married to one.