No, they don’t. (Easy for me to say. I’m a woman.)

Due to my writing and interest in sex positive representation in the genre, I’ve been lucky to connect with many sex experts and therapists. Recently, I was talking with one and she said a lot of couples come into her office and the male partner claims he needs sex. “Sex is not a need. It’s a want,” she said.

A need is something you must have to survive. Water, food, shelter. These are things that a human would die without. No one has ever died from lack of sex. That’s not to say that some, regardless of gender, feel like a life without sex isn’t worth living. But that’s not the same.

To call sex a “drive” is also a misnomer according to many sex experts. Sex is a desire. Arousal levels vary among humans of all genders. Some people have stronger sexual responses to stimuli, stronger sexual desires, than others. We sometimes call this a “sex drive” because a strong desire is motivating, captivating. It can feel like something we can’t control. But we can. It’s work. It’s sometimes not fun. But it’s possible.

One night, in conversation with Dr. Braver, I told him about the comments from my sex therapist friend and asked him what he thought. As we talked, he made an observation, one I think is pretty powerful. “Some men want sex so much. To admit they WANT something that much feels like vulnerability. It’s safer to say it’s a NEED.“

A light bulb went off immediately. That level of vulnerability can feel like giving up power to someone else, a woman in particular, and that is something patriarchy tells men they should never do.

If sex is a need, he can’t control it or deny it. Power is taken out of the equation. No one would say a man dying of thirst is giving up his power to water. It’s a need. He doesn’t have to examine it or apologize for it. And those who deny our needs, like withholding water or food, are wrong, not someone who seeks sex possibly to the point of obsession, coercion, or bad decision making.

Do men tell their partners they need sex because they don’t want to have the tough conversations about how much they want it? Examining differences in arousal levels between partners and what to do about it can be tough. There can be a lot of ingrained cultural norms and patriarchal expectations wrapped up in those conversations, and some couples may want the guidance of a trained therapist to protect and facilitate such vulnerable and naked sharing. But these discussions could be relationship changing if we’re brave enough to try. 

No loving partner wants to deny their lover any need. But is that why you want your partner to engage in sexual activity with you? Or would you rather create a path to intimacy that is fulfilling and deeply wanted by all?