One summer morning, I was on my deck sipping coffee and feverishly studying the book “Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man” by Dr. Ian Kerner, researching for the novel I was writing.
In my periphery, I heard an alarm. Not a rare occurrence in my close-knit neighborhood, but this one was unfamiliar (not a fire or car alarm). It was some distance away, so I didn’t get too concerned, but concentrated on Dr. Kerner’s book.
After a few minutes of the incessant noise, my neighbor texted to ask me if heard it too. I told her yes and hoped it would end soon because I was reading a book about how to give a blow job, and the alarm was very distracting.
A few beats passed before she told me she spit out her morning coffee on that one. Sorry to my neighbor, but this was important stuff.
Information Breaks Down Fear
Some people may not feel intimidated about pleasuring a penis because the genitals are more outside the body and considered less taboo, or because cultural assumptions tell us that men are uncomplicated and enjoy anything their partners do to their penises.
But I’m a romance writer. And someone could read my books and find information about sex and sexual health they never heard before. I had to get the blow job thing right for their sake and that of my characters.
Protect the Pelvis
Men, as much as any human, need the comfort of a safe place to let go of expectations and experience pleasure. One thing that stood out to me in Dr. Kerner’s book was his discussion of the male pelvis, and all the conflict and struggle centralized there. After all, some say it’s a man’s central source of thought. (And in cases, that may be true.)
The expression “have the balls” to do something often refers to being brave. Telling a friend to “sac up” means to get tough. Yet the anatomical parts these sayings reference are in reality quite fragile.
The male genitals are exposed, and penis owners learn early to protect that part of their bodies on reflex. Giving a partner free rein in this area takes no small amount of trust. Those in the position of pleasuring a penis have a unique opportunity to create a safe place for the owner to let go.
So, Now What?
What to say? I borrowed these from “She Comes First” by Dr. Kerner, but switched things up a bit, because I’d bet they still apply.
- Tell him you like it. Going down on him turns you on as much as him.
- There is no rush. Because you want to savor every moment of this closeness with him.
- His scent and his taste are a powerfully erotic part of his sexiness.
What to do? Here are a few ideas beyond the obvious.
Note: Using spit for lubrication has recently gotten attention. Using saliva to lubricate is possible, though not the best option. And spitting on someone, typically an act of disgust, may not be the right vibe.
Desire is not a light switch that turns on with a touch to the genitals. For most humans, fantasy helps fuel desire. (Steamy romance, anyone?) As a warmup, encourage him to talk about his fantasies and reveal his unique turn-ons.
- Discuss what could be fun to make into reality like safe role play, dirty talk, safe sexting, sexy photos, and more.
- Deep throating isn’t always necessary.
- Some partners love to deep throat while others don’t, particularly those with sensitive gag reflexes.
- In most men, the frenulum, or the spot on the underside of the penis, just below the crown, is the most pleasurable place to receive stimulation. Lavishing attention to the head, the crown, and the frenulum along with a lubed hand stroking the shaft, may feel just as good as deep throating and be more comfortable for the giver.
- Tell him there is nothing for him to do but enjoy.
- Cultural expectations can make some men feel like they have to be the doers. Letting him know he doesn’t have to perform or lead this time can be liberating. Let him know you’ve got him.
- Respect the penis but involve more of that fragile pelvis area, too.
- Encourage him to spread his legs open to you by gently massaging his thighs in preparation. Remind him you’ll be careful with this protected space.Stroke, kiss, or lick all around the area and listen for signs of what he likes best.
- The perineum, the skin between the testicles and anus, can be a highly pleasurable spot for gentle massage or other attention.
- After, remember those fantasies and consider ideas for next time.
- For some men, exercise can make them feel more alive, virile, or energetic. After his next workout, plan to join him in the shower, a great place to please a penis.
Always Start With The Basics
Dr. Kerner recommends the basic ideas of Fore Play, Core Play, and More Play. Fore Play is the kisses, touches, and sexy words that are the warmup. Treat fellatio as Core Play. A main event, not a starting point. And More Play is more if you’re in the mood or the aftercare of touching, talking, and connecting with your partner.