In part one of this article, I mentioned how romance novels have evolved to be more diverse than the standard hero-on-a-horse/damsel-in-distress trope. Though we still love a good alpha male/ingenue story. “Fifty Shades of Grey” anyone?

But modern romance novels are not all about alphas and ingenues. From including diverse characters to safe sex practices to confronting genuine issues with intimacy, these novels have become much more. There are best-sellers featuring same-sex couples, racial diversity, and neurodivergence just to name of few areas of growth.

Everyone deserves to see themselves in the pages of a romance novel, and now more than ever, they can.

Reading is Exploration

As Lisa Cron discusses in her book “Story Genius”, studies show the human brain lights up in similar ways, whether we are reading about an activity or doing it. Stories can make parts of our brains think we are actually experiencing the events.

Don’t believe it? Check out the audience watching a horror movie in your local theater. Eyes wide, bodies curled into a tight ball, one friend clinging to another. These are signs of extreme fear. Why is the body reacting that way if it’s just a story?

Because in some ways, our brains think it’s real.

In the same way, reading sexy stories can help us “try out” new personas and experiences in a safe way.

For example, say you read a story about an “alpha” type hero, which includes BDSM, and you find yourself turned on. It doesn’t automatically mean you are interested in BDSM. Maybe you find power dynamics exciting and want to explore that with your partner in a way that is safe and comfortable for everyone.

Maybe you want to be utterly taken care of during sex. This could resonate with those who do a lot of caretaking for others outside of the bedroom. Or your arousal could mean something else entirely. The point is you are exploring what turns you on.

Maybe you’re reading a story about a heroine who likes dirty talk and realize you’ve always liked the idea but didn’t know how to start. What do the characters in the book do? What do they say to each other? How do they safely start a sexy call or text? Hint: ask for consent first and establish boundaries about recording or sharing.

There are romances featuring all genders of humans, but also monsters, aliens, shapeshifters, and anything else creative minds could dream up. Any science fiction or fantasy fans? Romance has you covered.

Some books are so hot, I think my eReader might spontaneously ignite. Others are clean and sweet, like a Hallmark movie with even less kissing. Still others are somewhere in between. Regardless of what sexy topic you’d like to explore or how, I’d bet there’s a romance novel for that.

Making Some Fantasies A Reality

Restraints. Tie-me-up. Spanking. These are all somewhat loaded words tossed around in everyday ways. Romance novels that include these practices can be a jumping off point for deeper conversations.

What about a heroine who likes to be restrained not because it gives the hero all the power but because then his focus is only on her pleasure? For some struggling with sexual shame, being restrained by a trusted partner after giving consent, so that they “can’t resist” or must enjoy it may help free their minds to do just that.

Did you know spanking isn’t always about punishment? More often, it can be about after-care. The spank brings blood flow to the surface so that the following caress to the same area is that much more intense. Spanking may be a power play, but possibly not the one you think it is.

What about a hero who likes to be in control during sex? Some men report wanting to take charge in the bedroom, even being a little aggressive, but hold themselves back for fear of being seen as a predator. Talking through some romance novel scenes, discussing what’s hot and what’s not, then setting safe boundaries about what to try with a trusted partner could be liberating for some men.

Yes, No, Maybe Lists

One tool that is used to further explore fantasies and desires is the Yes, No, Maybe list. There are many to be found online, but I like the from Dr. Emily Morse available on her website.

It’s a list of different sexual activities and each partner checks whether that activity is a Yes, a No, or a Maybe. The matched yeses are ago. The matched nos are a not now or possibly ever, and the maybes are places to discuss, learn more about your partner(s), and discover ways to grow or improve your sex lives.

Not All Fantasy Needs To Be Reality

Some fantasies are just that, fantasy. Not all behaviors in today’s romance novels are safe. Or even if the behavior is safe, you may have little interest in actually trying it. You just like the fantasy. Awesome. You’re not alone.

Search for titles that include the word “Grumpy Boss” and you’ll find hundreds, maybe thousands, of novels. This does not mean romance readers all want to have sex with their bosses. It’s a popular fantasy usually about power differential.

Also, there are likely more romance novels written about Navy Seals than there are actual Navy Seals. I imagine being in a relationship with anyone who puts their life on the line for others regularly has got to be tough for a variety of reasons. But the fantasy is perfect.

Reading romance and exploring your fantasies may tell you something about yourself, and knowledge is power. Once you know more about yourself, you can share with your partner. A quality partner is going to want to learn more about what YOU like and how to get you there.

Romance novels are just another tool.