It’s a new year and the gym membership commercials are out in full force. It’s time to get healthy in all the ways. One healthful practice we hear a lot about is mindfulness.

To be clear, I’m for it, but sometimes it can seem a little too easy or too complicated depending on the situation. It doesn’t have to be complicated, not in the bedroom

Mindfulness is predominantly about being focused only on the present moment without judging any feelings or experiences in that moment. All the sex advice I’ve read from experts says that for sex to be great, you have to be fully in the moment without examining or “spectatoring” (thinking about your performance and what you need to do next). Being present with your partner allows you to observe and interpret your partner’s reactions (sounds, movements), to read your partner and understand what they need and you need-in the moment. Mindfulness.

So how do we do it? Here are some ways to practice mindfulness in the bedroom.

1) Embodiment. Be in your body. Take a few deep breaths and check in with yourself. How do you feel? Anxious? Tired? Is there pain somewhere? Are you cold or hot? What do you smell and see? Take a moment to experience all the sensations in your body right now. Don’t judge them or try to push them away. Just be.

2) Breathe together. I mentioned this last month. A great way to connect with your partner is to match their breathing cadence. Sit facing each other, holding hands or touching easily in some other way before making eye contact, or sit with your foreheads touching, and then concentrate on breathing together. This helps us tune into what the other is feeling. Think about maintaining that connection as you move through other touches.

3) Slow down. Many lovers like to follow a script. This happens, then this happens, then this, then orgasm, the end. If that’s your script, okay. But deliberately try to move more slowly through that script or any changes you make to it. Pay attention to the feel and scent of skin. Notice your partner’s breath or sounds and notice how you feel touching them or watching their enjoyment.

4) Let go of expectations. No judging or planning. Try what comes to mind and check in with yourself and your partner as you progress. Ideas like “I must come” or “I must make her come” add pressure and take us out of the moment and the pleasure our partner is giving us to experience right now.

5) Give an elephant massage. What? I know, but it’s real. I actually used this technique in my book Your Turn. Rhys does this with Nicole and here’s how it worked. Rhys and Nicole stood, Rhys behind her. He told her to bend over and let her arms hang below her head (like an elephant’s trunk), to fully relax her upper body into it. Then he told her to lean her butt/hips against him, really lean back so that he was helping to balance her. Then she rolled up slowly, one vertebra at a time, and as she did, she leaned more of her weight against him, his stomach, his chest, until ending with her head leaning back against Rhys’s shoulder. His arms came around her middle and he held her, completely supported her weight, while she experienced the feeling of being supported. Relaxation and connection overload, especially if you are naked or barely dressed. All that skin and warmth. Yes! You do it, then do it for your partner. Even with height differences, you can make it work as you lean together.

6) Afterglow. Don’t forget to pause and come back together after your breathing, touching, and connection has led to your pleasure peak for the moment (orgasm or not). Return to deliberately breathing together, touching skin to skin, stroking your partner’s body with your whole hand, pressing in to mold their body to your palm. These few minutes, or hours if you have the time, can help our bodies remember the sensations so that we can more easily access them next time.

One key tantric belief is that the experience of sexual excitement is a taste of Divine energy. I couldn’t agree more. It’s why I write what I write. Sex is a gift. One that we as consenting adults can experience and enjoy in whatever ways speak to us. But to do that, we have to quiet and still ourselves to listen to our bodies. We need to be mindful in the bedroom.

For more on mindful sex, check out Urban Tantra, Second Edition: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas and Annie Sprinkle | Nov 21, 2017