Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D is (or should be) a canonical book for vulva owners and anyone interested in pleasing a vulva.

One of the things I mention a lot when I’m talking to people about sex positivity and romance is the dual control model of sexual response. It was first developed by Janssen and Boncroft at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990’s. (Yes, that’s 1990’s, not 1890’s. What took so long?) Anyway …

The dual control model of sexual response consists of two parts. The Sexual Excitation System or the accelerator in your brain that takes in stimuli like what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel, then says “Turn on”. The other part is the Sexual Inhibition System or the brakes in your brain that take in other stimuli and send signals to your brain to “Turn off”.

As Dr. Nagoski describes in her book, you can push the accelerator on a car along with the brakes, and the car will likely get you where you want to go, but it will be difficult, possibly cause damage, and take a lot more gas. Sexual arousal is finding the right balance between the accelerator and the brakes.

Dr. Nagoski says “Indeed, a common mistake made by people who are struggling with orgasm or desire is assuming that the problem is lack of accelerator; it’s more likely that the problem is too much brakes—” like shame, safety concerns, worries, body image, performance, etc. –“And once you know whether it’s a problem with the accelerator or the brakes, you can figure out how to create change.”

Things that press the accelerator include sexy stories like those found in romance novels. Stories that excite our imaginations. And one way to ease off the brakes is creating clear separation between worries and responsibilities, and time with your partner or your vibe.

Something to try … close out of work and wrap up your day, then read a romance novel, or listen to a steamy audiobook or audio erotica like Dipsea for an hour or more before trying to seduce or be seduced. Your results could be surprising.

For more on the dual control model of sexual response and sooooo much more, grab a copy of Dr. Nagoski’s book today. There is even a companion workbook to delve deeper into your personal journey.